Always Keep it professional ( C.Y.O.A. )

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IS MY WATCHWORD.

In my profession, it is absolutely imperative that your customers trust you. I mean, who wants to let someone they don't trust to fix medical equipment that could one day be used on them? There are a lot of times that someone brings me a machine and says " It won't turn on." Just for me to show them the power switch, and flip it on in front of them; thus breathing life into said apparatus right before their eyes. It's my job to make them feel incompetent and establish my superiority at every opportunity.

So, when they see an opportunity to make me look stupid, they jump on it like crazed weasels. I am in a position to look like an idiot every day. The mark of an expert is the ability to disguise these occurrences with clever conversation and creative wording. I am expected to be an expert technician on everything from an electrocardiograph to an infusion pump to a dental chair to a 5 foot long flexible scope used to look up peoples' asses.( I forget what those things are called :) )

Two weeks ago, an ECG machine was presented to me. UNIT WILL NOT PRINT is the only thing listed on the work order. Easy enough. I first consult the service manual. No help there. I take it apart, looking for the obvious. No loose dangling wires or fried components. OK. Another tech says that the paper in the machine doesn't look right. Sure enough it's the wrong paper. I think to myself, 'What a dumbass. This guy brought this all the way down here because he's too stupid to pick up the right paper. My god! He probably uses this thing every day, and he puts the wrong paper in it.'

I walked down to cardiology to see a friend about getting the correct paper so I can go back to the dumbass and act superior. I put in the paper to prepare for the roast. It still won't print. Damn it. Thought I was gonna have an easy one. Time to try something else. Most complicated mechanisms come with pretty detailed troubleshooting texts. Not this one. It is absolutely no help to a technician. I tried various things flying blind with no resolve.

Finally I just said screw it and ordered a new print head. When the $160.00 printhead arrives, I install it and still no printing. I stood at this machine for hours, randomly changing software configurations in a lame attempt to fix this thing. By now, two weeks have gone by.

Today I decided that it would be best if I just sent it back to the manufacturer for repair. I hate doing this. It is very hard for me to admit that an inanimate object can defeat me. There must be something I have missed. Something. Somewhere. I was standing in front of this demon box, still trying to use Jedi mind powers to somehow figure it out, when my friend from cardiology stops by on other business. I know he uses these things every day, maybe he knows some amazingly secret software menu that I haven't found yet that will make it print. He tried a couple of things with no luck. Then he says, "What's this? You've got the paper in backwards."

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Sure enough, he flipped it around and hit the print button, and out spewed a near endless stream of zigging and zagging ECG lines. I can deal with this. My only problem now is what do I put in my notes. When servicing medical equipment, one must keep detailed notes describing every action performed. These notes are kept for the life of the equipment. Later down the road, if the equipment fries someone's grandmother, they can look to see if it was repaired correctly. I have to word my work order notes so everyone down the line that will read them will know that I am not in union with the dumbasses of the world. I don't need the added stress of being known as the guy who worked on an ECG for 2 weeks at the rate of $60.oo an hour just to flip the paper around in the end.

* 09 Aug 05 To correct fault, performed paper realignment operation. Once paper was realigned, paper edge sensor was receiving correct signal from processor and printing operations were executed without error. Unit is now fully operational.*